Dear Voldemort
by Animegirl1279
Summary: Fed up with his detention with Umbridge, Harry decides to do something about it. Since Dumbledore nor the other teachers are able to help him, he is going to reach out to someone who can, hopefully without dying in the process.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So this is an entirely crack fic, no real purpose whatsoever except to make me and you, my lovely readers laugh. Which I really hope it does. I was bored and this came to me, enjoy.

I forget what fanfic I was reading but in it Harry mentioned he could have gotten out of Umbridge's mess if he had only written a letter to Voldemort. Well this is my idea of what would happen, or at least what I would like to happen.

update 1/27/2017: So I was rereading some works and found out which story it was I got the idea from. the story is Rise of the Dark Angel, by mykkila09. It was only a passing comment in the story, but I wanted to acknowledge where I got the idea from.

Characters are OOC and there is some slash in here, warning for those of you who need it.

* * *

"Harry are you sure you don't want to go to Dumbledore with this? I am sure he could do something to stop her." Hermione asked glancing worriedly at Harry's hand.

He had just gotten back from another one of the toad's detentions and his hand was aching.

"Wouldn't do any good." Harry admitted. "Besides I don't want to cause any trouble or more work for him."

The last part was only partly true, Dumbledore had been basically ignoring him ever since the summer. The headmaster had probably barely said ten words to Harry the whole year. He would have thought that with the order and everything, the headmaster would have shared at least some information with him or seen to how he was doing.

No, if nothing was going to be shared with him, then he was not going to burden others with his worries.

"But surely you could talk with one of the other professors, McGonagall or someone." Ron insisted.

"She came to me after the first detention and just told me to keep my head down. Going to her now would not make anything better, it would be playing right into Umbridge's plans." Harry argued.

"But surely there must be some adult you could talk to; Sirius would want to help."

"Except Sirius is a convicted murder hiding out in his dead parents' house against his will." Harry spat angrily. That was another thing he had against the headmaster, after his trial and finding out about all the headmasters titles Harry knew that if he truly wanted to, Dumbledore could have gotten Sirius free by now. Hell, he could have had him free years ago.

"There must be some adult you could talk to." Ron mused. "You think Snape would help even though he hates you?"

Harry sat back for a moment thinking over what Ron said. Not Snape, but maybe there was someone he could go to, or at least write, that might be willing to do something. If he worded the letter right he could get the toad removed from Hogwarts, possibly even killed.

Truthfully he wouldn't be to upset if she did die, she was horrible and creating serious problems in the wizarding world. Harry thought about the anti-werewolf laws that had been passed a few years ago, those were her fault. Remus couldn't even hold a job because of those.

Standing up Harry made his decision.

"Harry where are you going?" Hermione asked.

"Need to write a letter really quick." Harry explained waving Ron and Hermione off before dashing up the stairs. This was mad but he figured, what the heck it couldn't hurt could it?

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I know this is really out of the blue, and I am hoping that you did not just shot the owl down upon seeing this letter, but I have a favor to ask. I know shocker isn't it, that I Harry Potter, your sworn enemy, and boy you have an obsession about killing, would be writing you a letter asking for a favor. Well surprise I am.

I don't know how much you actually know about the situation, but our defense against the dark arts professor, Delores Umbridge, is a load of crap. Do you know that she refuses to believe me when I tell her you are back? Outrageous right? So far she's stuck me in detention for over a week multiple times for claiming you are back. She has me writing lines saying I must not tell lies.

The ministry is refusing to acknowledge you are back, is this a part of your plan? I know you could do something that would let them know, but you haven't. Or is it that you get some adverse pleasure out of seeing Dumbledore and I discredited.

While admittedly the lines would not be so bad, but she has me doing them for hours on end with a blood quill until the message sinks in. Can you believe the nerve of her? It's some inane form of torture. How dare she torture me, when by all rights as my sworn enemy you are the only one who has the right. Does that logic make sense? At least I figure you would want that privilege all to yourself. I at least can follow somewhat why you wish to cause me pain.

But this crazy bitch is supposed to be a teacher, how is it she can go around torturing the children she is supposed to be protecting? Not to mention aren't magical children supposed to be revered or something. Even you respect that boundary to an extent, never once have I heard anything about you torturing magical children. Although what you get up to with your follower's kids is none of my business.

By the way, at what age do you recruit? Do you wait until they come of age? Because that would make me feel a little bit better. Not much but a bit.

Anyway back to my favor, would you be willing to get rid of Umbridge? Kill her, make her disappear, I don't really care. Just get her out of Hogwarts.

Did you know that for DADA, as per the ministry regulated curriculum, she only has us reading out of the book and studying theory? No practical whatsoever. Hopefully you won't stand for this, on the basis that it leaves magical child as a whole unprepared, me unprepared to properly fight you, and your faithful follower's children unprepared to competently serve you.

I've come to you because Dumbledore is trying not to alienate the ministry any further, and the teachers are no better.

Sincerely your enemy,

Harry Potter

P.S would you have any problems with the Malfoy's if I started fucking Draco? If you don't, please don't kill him, and maybe not mark him until he graduates. Please don't hurt them regardless, just your opinion would be nice on the subject. I don't want to do anything if it would be putting him in danger. And you know, now that I've mentioned it, I really hope this doesn't put him in danger. Um he knows nothing about this and my feeling on the matter, only tell him if it's okay. You can tell Lucius if you want. I am sure his face would be priceless.

* * *

Harry smiled as he finished the letter, this was utterly mad, but maybe it would work.

The next day he made his way down to Professor Snape's office and knocked on the door.

"Potter? Whatever are you down here for?" Snape asked surprised.

"Had a quick questioned for you. Does Voldemort monitor his mail? Does he even get mail? And if so, if I sent him something would he just curse the owl and burn the letter? Or would I have a chance of him actually reading the letter?" Harry asked getting to the point.

Snape blinked at him in surprise. Sighing he ushered Harry into his office.

"What is this about Potter?"

"Nothing I just wanted to ask him a question." Harry admitted innocently.

"Do your friends know about this?" Snape asked exasperated, maybe Potter was finally cracking under all the pressure.

"No, er yes, well that is to say they know that I wrote a letter, just not who to." Harry said with a shrug.

"You are immensely foolish Potter. But I will take the blasted letter for you. I will not be responsible for what happens after." Snape said taking the letter Harry percured from his bag.

"Thank you sir." Harry said getting up to leave.

Snape sighed, he hoped whatever this was didn't cause the Dark Lord to get to upset.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: To those of you who loved this, I am so happy at the response I go from the first chapter. Yes I am continuing this. The plan is this to be a threeshot, so there is one more chapter after this. I don't know if I made this as funny as the first chapter, but here's to hoping you all like it. I couldn't wait any longer to update this.

* * *

Chapter 2

Voldemort looked at the letter in his hands an unreadable expression on his face.

"Is everything alright my lord?" Lucius Malfoy asked when he walked by the study and saw his master staring at a letter.

"Severus, has Potter finally lost his mind?" Voldemort asked looking towards the other man in the room.

"Potter wrote to you?" Lucius asked shocked before turning to Severus.

"Indeed, he came to my office the other night and asked what would happen were he to send a missive to our Lord. I brought the letter as soon as I was able to." Severus replied.

"My Lord, if you don't mind me asking, what does the boy want?" Lucius chanced asking.

Voldemort sat and thought wither he wanted to answer or not. He looked towards the bottom of the note and decided this turn of events might be interesting.

"Potter wrote to me on two things, one was to get rid of a teacher in the school for him since no one else was doing anything about the situation. He said however I wanted, even kill, as long as it got the teacher out." Voldemort replied folding his hands under his chin and looking at Severus and Lucius.

The men both blinked in surprise.

"Potter, he wants you to kill a teacher?" Lucius asked surprised. "Has his ire of Severus finally reached the point that he wants you to kill him?"

"Lucius!" Severus hissed.

"Surprisingly no, it is not Severus he wants dead. Apparently it is the new defense against the dark arts professor, Delores Umbridge." Lucius snorted.

"Has Draco said anything about her?" Voldemort mused.

"Just that the class isn't very informative, he says it's a joke, much like the previous teachers they have had. Half the time he brings another book to class and just glamours it to look like the class book since he's already done the readings." Lucius admitted.

"As much as I hate to agree with Potter, he is right. I don't want the magical children to be lacking in their knowledge. Knowledge is power, and this course is affecting the pure-blood children also." Voldemort commented to the surprise of the others.

"Even when I had Crouch positioned there last year I made him be serious about teaching the students. He was not the most willing but he got the job done with the material given."

"Material given?"

"While Crouch may have been smart do you really think the boy was cut out to be a teacher. No I gave him lesson plans and had him teach the children what I thought they should know."

Another surprise for Severus and Lucius. The Dark Lord had prepared the entire defense curriculum last year? In the state he was in?

'My Lord, isn't Potter being a bit brash, he may not like Umbridge, but is that grounds to kill her? Based on how she teaches?" Severus questioned.

"How much do you know about their relationship Severus?"

"You make it sound like something dirty when you say it that way My lord." Lucius said which he regretted not a moment after.

The man reluctantly picked himself up off the floor after being held under cirucio by his master for the comment.

"You are lucky there is a semblance of reason for you being here Lucius or you would have been dismissed long ago." Voldemort hissed.

"Yes my Lord." Lucius gasped managing to bring himself standing.

"I know they despise each other. Potter my dislike her even more then myself at the moment. I know he has gotten several detentions with her already during the year for speaking out and saying you are back." Severus answered bring the Dark Lord's attention back on himself.

"Yes Potter mentioned that much. But he also mentioned what goes on during those detentions. Those are his reasons for reaching out to me."

"Not being taught anything and getting detentions? That seems a bit childish to me." Lucius commented trying to gage if he was allowed back in the conversation.

"Except his are not normal detentions. What are appropriate grounds for detentions Severus?" Voldemort asked.

"Lines, sitting there, menial work for the professors, or making up for whatever was the cause for the detention. Why?" Severus questioned. Detentions were not much different than they had been 50 years ago. No matter how much Filtch complained about corporal punishment, that hadn't been in practice for at least 80 years. Dippit had put a stop to that when he came in office.

Though the old caretaker could have heard the tales from his predecessor. Merlin knows the man still kept the chains in his office after all these years.

"Lines, that is what she has Potter doing. But not normal lines, she has him use a blood quill for hours until the message has 'sunk in' according to Potter. He even tried to sway me saying I am the only one that has a right to torture him based on our enemy status." Voldemort told his followers dismissing their raised brows at the last comment.

"Blood quills are illegal except for all the most binding magical contracts and such. The only ones who still have legal access to such quills are the goblins and the minister. If she is using those on a student that means she has gotten them directly from the minister." Lucius told Voldemort.

"With how often she gives Potter detention and how long she keeps him his hand will start to scar and will become permanent." Severus added.

"Did any of the teachers know of this?" Lucius asked.

"None of the teachers seemed to know, and Potter says Dumbledore will do nothing."

"That much is true, Dumbledore is not fighting against her placement. I honestly have no clue what he is up to in that regards, he seems to be putting his order members on goose cases sending them around everywhere. I have no idea what his goals are at the moment." Severus mentioned. "If McGonagall knew she would have thrown a fit. Potter probably tried to tell her but she most likely to him to keep his head down. I know she has mentioned this to a few students as well as staff."

"Are you going to do something my Lord?" Lucius asked.

"Perhaps, it would not be terrible if she were to disappear. Perhaps around the time of our other planed disappearances, Christmas time weren't they? It would be a good present for Potter." Voldemort mused. "Put McNair on it, he's still in the ministry. I am sure they have interacted at some point."

"It will be done my lord. A fine number of students will be pleased to see her go I am sure." Lucius said making to leave the room.

"Ah, Lucius one more thing before you leave. It pertains to the second part of Potter's letter.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm kind of jealous this story is doing better than my main story that I am working on, at least in response considering the short amount of time I have had this up. So far I don't know if I will continue this story so, I wasn't planning on it. So this is finished for now. Thanks for all those of you who enjoyed this. If you liked my writing I encourage you all to check out my other stories and hope you like them as much as you do this one. You don't know how great it is to get reviews on a work, it always brings a smile to my face.

Here's the last part to Dear Voldemort, hope you all like it.

* * *

Severus and Voldemort stared in shock at the man passed out on the floor.

"I was not expecting him to faint once I told him." Voldemort mused. "You do not seem surprised?"

"There is so much tension between those boys, it had to be something. They have been obsessed with each other since they stepped off the train." Severus admitted.

Voldemort stared thoughtfully at the unconscious Malfoy. There might be merit in having this develop further.

"I wonder if I could use this somehow?"

Severus glanced at the Dark Lord, this would prove troublesome. Lucius groaned as he moved to sit up. He rather not use the boy's in any way, but if the Dark Lord decided on something, no one would be able to change his mind. He was stubborn like Potter that way.

"Please tell me its not true."

"That Potter lusts after your son. It seems it is." Voldemort announced taking pleasure in the pained look the elder Malfoy was supporting.

"Severus tell Potter the first issue will be taken care of. As for the second tell him I have no issue at the moment."

A look in Lucius's direction told the other man not to object about the issue.

"Draco will be informed of any changes in that decision and is to tell Potter should that happen. I am interested in seeing how this plays out." Voldemort added looking at Severus.

Severus nodded, at least the boys would have some warning.

"My Lord, what if—"

"What if Draco should be swayed to Potter's side?" Voldemort said seeing a hesitant nod from Lucius. "Then he was never faithful in the first place and will be treated as such. I have no mercy for traitors Lucius. However should the boy sway Potter this way he will be rewarded."

"My Lord." Lucius bowed gratefully.

"This is not a task as of yet for the boy, I have other things to focus on right now. For the moment they can stay on opposite sides and no issue will arise. But warn your son that is as far as it goes, should he step over there will be no mercy." Voldemort warned.

"Inform Draco, Lucius, I must be returning back to the school if that is all my lord." Severus asked.

Nodding Voldemort dismissed his followers, this was an interesting game Potter was playing.

* * *

Grey eyes blinked in shock at the letter he had received that morning in the post.

"He can't be serious." He breathed out in disbelief.

Dearest Draco,

I have news. Our guest received a unusual letter the other night. One of the topics inquired about pursuing a relationship with your person. However unwilling I am in letting it progress, our guest has expressed interest in letting this development progress.

You have permission to stay neutral in the issues risen being with the individual, you are however encouraged to bring him over to the family if able, but not right away. However you are advised not to leave if you do not wish to face the consequences. Nothing is set yet but allowing you to pursue this relationship, you will be informed and asked to share should things change.

The individual in question is Harry Potter.

Good luck son.

Your father,

Lucius Malfoy.

Draco seethed as he looked at the letter a slight blush on his face. Who was Potter to decide something like this. Where ever did the idiot get thinking such ideas.

* * *

"Potter."

Harry looked up startled to see his potions professor standing behind him. He turned and made to get up but sat back down when Snape motioned he wouldn't be long.

"I have come to inform you on the issue you came to me with the other day. The first situation is being taken care of and results will be seen around Yull."

"And the second?" Harry asked curious and a little hopeful.

"I do not know where you got in your head that it would be a good idea to ask such a question. You are lucky he was intrigued by the idea. The answer was yes, surprisingly. Good luck, it appears he has just received the good news. He has a few stipulations, I suggest you see them and be aware what would happen should they be broken." Snape finished walking off.

"What was that about mate?" Ron asked.

"Just something I asked professor Snape to look into for me." Harry answered getting up from the table just as a pissed off blond exploded across the hall.

"POTTER! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S BALLS IS THIS ABOUT! IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE?" Draco Malfoy screamed storming over shocking the hall into silence.

"Nope." Harry answered walking up to the blond.

Draco stood there blinking in shock as Harry neared him. He still had the letter in his hand and barely noticed when Harry plucked it out of his slack grip. This wasn't a joke? Potter meant it? And he risked the Dark Lord to ask, Draco thought as he stared at the other boy.

Harry read it over and smiled. "Simple enough, we shouldn't have any problems for a while at least, hopefully."

"Simple! What makes you think you can decide something like this!" Draco screamed coming back to himself.

"What you don't think it's a good idea? You cant tell me you haven't been thinking about it. I know I haven't been able to get the thought out of my head all year." harry admitted to the shocked blond leaning in to whisper in his ear.

"Why would you even ask something like that? Why would bring such a matter to his attention?" Draco asked backing up slightly to look at Harry.

"I told you, I am serious about this." Harry said giving the other boy a stern look. "It looks like I will just have to show you the benefits of this."

"What ben—"

Malfoy was abruptly cut off as Harry stepped forward and placed his lips over his. A pregnant pause filled the great hall before chaos erupted at the scene.

Harry pulled back to see a dazed look on Draco's face.

"Benefits huh?"

"No consequences from your side for the moment. And I'll tell mine to back off, it's none of their business." Harry said stepping close.

Draco paused to think before he grabbed Harry's face and pulled him into a bruising kiss. They attacked each others mouths for a few minutes trying to gain dominance in the kiss before they had to pull back for air. They were pressed as close as they could get to each other. when they pulled back they stared at each other panting.

"Want to get out of here? I know a good place." Harry asked seeing Umbridge fighting to make her way through the crowd to them. People were surrounding them yelling and demanding to know what was going on.

Draco nodded back with a dazed look. Pleased Harry leaned in and kissed him again. Grabbing his hand Harry towed Draco out the hall.

He was really glad that letter worked.


End file.
